1. I don’t know why Smokey Bear carries a shovel, but it used to scare the crap out of me, as a kid.
2. “Do you like big butts?” should be the control question for every polygraph test.
3. Confession: One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
4. “You snooze, you lose” sounds like something that overly competitive insomniacs would say.
5. Before you tell me that you “value my opinion,” I think it’s important to know that two of the three wishes granted to me by a genie would undoubtedly involve weight-loss ice cream and a mansion with trampoline floors.
6. If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
7. Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
8. Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now.
9. Healthy as a horse? Um…they usually can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves, but… sure…ok.
10. Pretty suspicious that everything we know about the human brain came from somebody else’s brain.